The age old conundrum: is it better to pay for your sex, or to get married and get some for “FREE?” In our age of fancy thinking boxes and the interwebs, we can finally answer this question logically with MATHS. Our crack team of spreadsheeters have tackled this question after an all-weekend bender fueled by Wild Turkey and Methamphetamine. The answer was not a surprise… It should be noted at the onset that this comparison assumes *NO* children are in the equation (kids add additional costs that should send any able-bodied male running for the door).
Cost Benefit ANALysis
According to the interwebs, “…Cost–benefit analysis (CBA), sometimes called benefit costs analysis (BCA), is a systematic approach to estimate the strengths and weaknesses of alternatives (for example in transactions, activities, functional business requirements or projects investments); it is used to determine options that provide the best approach to achieve benefits while preserving savings. The CBA is also defined as a systematic process for calculating and comparing benefits and costs of a decision, policy, or project.
Broadly, CBA has two main purposes:
- To determine if an investment/decision is sound (justification/feasibility) – verifying whether its benefits outweigh the costs, and by how much;
- To provide a basis for comparing projects – which involves comparing the total expected cost of each option against its total expected benefits.
First Step: Establishing the Comparison Basis
Of course, the basis for comparison is what your life was / cost BEFORE you got married. This is the cost of your mortgage, utilities, bills, insurance, supplies, etc. For the purposes of this study, we will assume savings rates of 5% along with 5% “spending money.” Mathematically speaking, your baseline is equal to x + .05x + .05x or x + .1x once we’ve completed our order of operations. Now this might sound like you have 10% of wiggle room as a single man, but its actually only a hair over 9% because of the way the percentages gonkulate. So, long story short, bachelorhood is worth +9.1% off of the bat.
Step Two: Adding the Female
In a perfect world, adding a female to the mix would make sense. After all, many of your expenses are fixed (mortgage / rent / cable / etc.) and many would increase by only a percentage, say 25% (water / electric), with only a few that actually double (insurance / cell phones). Given this perfect world, you are looking at an increase in expenses of about 33% -but these are then cut in half, after all, we’re being FAIR here, right? We asked our team for a graph to show you what this fucking looks like:
Congratulations! You now have an extra 31% of spending money as opposed to just 9.1%. That’s a (positive) difference of 21.6%. Pat yourself on the back if you have this deal, especially if you are actually getting laid (at all). Unfortunately, this doesn’t reflect reality and you may actually be faced with an increase of 33% with ZERO contribution. This graph shows you how much more you are FUCKED:
I can hear you already, you are telling yourself that minus 30% is probably doable. After all, you’re getting more ass than a toilet at the airport, right? As Arnold Schwarzenegger once quipped, “WRONGGGGGGG.” Your net loss is actually +9.1% minus -30.1% for a whopping difference of 39.2%. You just took a pay cut worth 40%. If you calculate from the “ideal” (i.e. way it should be) starting point, your net loss is actually over 60%!
Step Three: How many hoes is dat?
If you ask me, these graphs already prove that it ain’t fucking worth it. For shits and giggles, let’s see how many whores you could have instead. As a bachelor, your bills don’t go up; you just throw the hoes out when you’re done with them. But in order to see how many whores your savings will be worth, we need to switch from relational calculations to dollars ‘n’ centz yo. This graph plots the number of whores you can have per month, based on the cost of the whore ($50 – $500) and how much you make per month ($2,000 – $8,000). The results are eye-opening:
What this is essentially saying is that you can have between 12 and 48 crack whores per month, or between 1 and 5 high dollar hoes at the other end of the spectrum. If you are getting laid 12-48 times per month, good for you, marriage might still be worth it. If not, well, the results are pretty clear. If you look at the Median whore lines, we’re looking at a reasonably good chance of between 5 and 15 whores a month, or one every 2-6 days!!! Clearly, marriage ain’t worth it when we look at it from the money versus sex point of view. Perhaps there are other factors to consider? Nah, probably not.